What do we look for towards a relationship?
Too often we blame the others when we’re being hurt. When will we learn not to blame the others and learn to accept? What if when it comes to a day we’re the one who being blame? Will we still feel the same as what we’ve expected from the others? We will certainly feel more hurt. Then why still want to blame? Can one person be 100% right or 100% wrong? Asking so much just because we think it’s unfair to us? Ain’t it more painful if we can’t get what we want after asking for so much? I’m certainly hurt. Certainly hurt because I’ve been asking so much for myself. I will learn not to ask so much as I don’t want anyone to ask me to do something beyond what I can do.
I have no time to keep chasing for something I want. I have wasted my 8 years to do what I want to do and I got nothing in the end and losing more and more things in my life. I realized that it was such a trap I fixed for myself. But one thing that has gained in my life is I started to know how much I need God. If I still keep dwelling in my pass, how my life would be? How many more 8 years I have in my life in order for me wake up and repent?
Why do you want to know why I could stand so long in my previous relationship? Was that all because of feelings alone? If a relationship is depends on the feelings alone then what if one day the feeling has gone? How do you know that someone has loved you or not? What makes you lose the relationship at the first place? How do you define love then? Do you know how to love? What is love to you?
After all, am I in love or am I not in love anymore? Will one day I find myself not in love anymore? What if I will never know how to love? What if one day I don’t dare to love anymore? No, I don’t dare to love anymore. Even now I can imagine how painful it will be. It wakes me from sleep in the middle of the night. I don’t dare to love. I don’t want to hate. Hating is so tiring. Loving is tiring too. The more I hate and love, the more I’m wrong. It’s too painful to do what I’m not willing to do while it’s the only thing that is right to do. But what more if I continue doing what is wrong? Who can ever be happy living with all the guilt? I don’t think I can live any longer if I continue doing what is wrong. Can’t believe that I actually don’t like doing what is right. Now I realized how evil I can be. If I can be so evil even myself is not accepting it what more can I expect from the others?
I thought it will be easy when I know that I have to stop loving something that I love. There are many times that I hated it so much that I have to choose to give up everything I love and start looking for true love. How am I going to accept the facts that everything that I’ve done were all in vain? Will what I’ve been doing be appreciated? The next question is what am I expecting towards a relationship? Love? What is love? I think I’ve finally woke from dreaming but I’m still not accepting it. I will never know what love is until I find my first love. What is more important than knowing who my first love is?
I hate it so much that I have to let go the thing I love once again. It took me so long to revive and now I’m going to do the same thing again. One more thing that I’ve learnt is letting go someone we love is also a way to love. The thing is am I willing to let go? It’s all depends on me whether I want to let go or not. Why I chose not to let go even though I know it hurts? How can I let go off something that I love and I might forget about it one day?
Friday, June 13, 2008
Relationship
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4 comments:
Letting go is certainly hard to do than said but holding on is even more painful. I know exactly how u feel right now as I've been hurt many times and have hurt others too in the past. I would say I've been thru a "hurricane" or "tsunami" in my past love life. Reading your blog is just like a mirror reflecting back on my past. Then, one day i came to know God and have slowly learn to trust and depend on Him. Trust me, He will reveal, He will lead and He will provide.
Hope u don't mind my comment here, it's just my 2 cents thought.
You're written a lot
Of course I don't mind you to leave a comment here. I too have been through "hurricane" and "tsunami" in my past love life. What hurt most is because everything happened after I came to Christ. I feel more painful when I know that I need Him more than anything. I need to do more things for Him and not for myself. But this made me want to come even closer to Him and need Him more. I will learn to accept when He wants to give or take away something from me. Hopefully this time I will really frow and not be like last time anymore. Hehe..
Yes, true I believed that after we came to God, things are not promised to be easy at all times. This is the time when God wants to work in our life, to change the things in our life which He thinks needed to be changed and make us grow. I'm still new in Christ, in these 3 yrs, God has made me learn and change in many instances. Sometimes, I am presented with very difficult situations which I do not know what to do or how to decide, this made me realised that I needed Him more and more each days.
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