Blackout Day

This incident happened a week ago. As usual I will have a department meeting in my company every month and it was a second day of the meeting. So I reached the office half an hour earlier as usual. When I opened the door and wanted to switch on the lights and air-cond, I found out there are many people in the office but the lights were not on though all the switches were on. Oh no, some of them said there's electricity backup (but I don't know what is that), then some said because of the thunder storm last night. Arrgg.. whatever it is.

So our meeting postponed because there's nothing we can do for the meeting since we needed electricity for the LCD projector and other stuff. We waited for so many hours. We had tea, read newspaper, chit-chating, telling stories... bla bla bla... But then still there was nothing happened. One thing good is, there was air-condition so we enjoy ourselves sitting and standing in the office and also the lounge in our office.

At 2.30pm, I went for a meeting in the HQ. So, I have no idea what has happened in the office after that. When I got back to the office on Monday, my colleague told me that boss was looking for me and wanted to talk to me. Guess what, it was my confirmation review. He talked to me for so long. He asked me so many questions. I felt so small and have no confidence that he will confirm me anymore.

But what surprised me was he actually printed out the confirmation review in front of me and signed it. After I signed it, he gave me a handbook. And I somehow wanted to cry in front of him. I was so touched that my boss gave me a book like that. It's a quite famous book (The Purpose Drive Life). Though I have it at home, but could you imagine that a boss actually would give you such a book and say "hope you will find your purpose in life and welcome to the company" in such a manner? Even my colleague also wanted to cry and couldn't speak much at that time. What more a crying girl like me? Hehe... we didn't cry in the end. We're so thankful that we have such a great boss.

Everyday is a good day

Haven't been posting for some times. Some of my friends keep asking me to update my blog but don't post unhappy stuff. So I decided not to online and went out all nights to find more happiness. Hehe... Kidding! I had been so busy these days but I'm not depressed at all. I don't consider myself enjoying my life also because I have just too much for me to work out to find my purpose in life and for my future.

But one strange thing my friend told me that I have changed so much in the sense of my character. To my surprised, he feels horrible. WHY!?!?!!? What is it that I have changed to much and makes him feel so horrible? Saying that if there's something happened and there's a very high possibility that I will get angry but I didn't and it's hardly to accept and scary. What do you expect me to say? I don't want to be like last time. Everyone is so afraid of me.

I realised that I didn't get angry for a long time. It has been a month! Not to say very long but it's such a miracle that I don't get angry because I'm a hot-tempered person. Is it because I'm too lazy to angry or am I just being forgiving? Hopefully nothing negative lah. I have been laughing so much nowadays. I do know why am I laughing. I'm not crazy, okay?

Special thanks to two person (my aunty and my friend) because they really spent time to tell me stories about themselves. Stories that made them learnt to accept things that's hardly to accept. But most importantly of course my Father in heaven that has never left me alone and being so merciful to me. I have forgiven myself as He has forgiven me too. So here my life has start anew again. Pray that there will be no more 'again'...

Hhmm... Just a little updates about myself here. Hope this will bring you good news. Enjoy yourselves here. Life is great!! Amen!! Hehe...

Nose picking aka Rhinotillexomania

Why do these people come out with all kinds of taggings? It's something I have never thought of. Nose-picking. It's so rude if I don't take the tag but when I take the tag... hmmm... oh my!! Am I going to embarrass myself here? Hehe...

1) Have you ever picked your nose?
Of course!!

2) Do you think that nose-picking is common in adults?
Yes...

3) How often do you pick your nose? (daily, weekly, monthly)
Daily

4) How much time do you spend nose-picking?
Huh? I don't count lah. Until it's cleaned and clear lah...

5) Why do you do it (Unclog the nasal passages,to relieve discomfort or itchiness,to avoid the unsightly appearance of a booger hanging from my nose, personal hygiene,out of habit)?
To relieve discomfort or itchiness and most importantly is personal hygiene.

6) Which finger do you use?
Depends but not the little finger.

7)How do you dispose of the goop? (tissue, hanky, floor, stuck it to furniture, eat)
Tissue lah... haiyoo.... but most of the time I'll do it in the washroom.

Father's Day...

Daddy and daugther

Ever since I understand what Mother's Day means I scratched my head nearly every year to think of how to celebrate it. But I'm so thankful that almost every year there's someone there to gave me a lot of ideas how to 'play play it'. Every year I made my mom cry. Hehe...

Hmm... now what I'm going to do with this thing called Father's Day? Early in the morning... NO! It's the day before the Father's Day. My mom called me and asked me what am I going to do with 'uncle'. There again I scratched my head. I'm cashless. Idealess. What am I going to do with this "Father's Day"? Can you imagine celebrating Father's Day with other fathers every year and not my own father even though he's still alive? Buying things for other father and not my own father? Sounds confusing? So disappointed. I eventually hate celebrating father's day. Blek!! tsk

So, early in the morning I sms... ermm... I didn't sms anyone until evening, "Oh!! My dad, I forgotten to sms my dad to wish him Happy Father's Day!!" So... "Daddy, Happy Father's Day" and this was how I celebrated Father's Day for my father and it's every year!!

It's alright, my father loves me still. At least I would be meeting him once or twice a year. Nothing much about how we communicate as in we always concerned about my two sisters. Maybe it's because I have nothing for him to worry about because I'm always the best daughter in the family. Uhh... whatever. I love my dad no matter what.

I couldn't imagine how my life would be without him. Remembered when he told me that he had this 'tai geng bao' in his body I couldn't stopped myself and cried in front of him and couldn't sleep well almost every night. Imagined that he's going to die one day. What am I to do? Arrgg.... but, thank God he's recovered. 90% recovered because I don't believe that there's 100% recovery for all decease.

So the conclusion is, I love my dad very much even though he cannot always be there with me. He's always my best daddy.

I love you daddy and to all the daddies in the world...

HaPPy FatHeRs' DaY!!!

Weird and Strange

I over night at a place where I used to stay 10 years ago. I feel a bit weird when I told my aunty that I'm going to her place last night. But thank God I went there. She's given me so much since last night until today. She told me that there's a bag of gowns and I can choose all I want. She didn't expect that I would take anything from the bag as I don't always wear sexy clothes or any gowns. To her surprised, I tried everything in the bag and taken everything that fits my body. In the end only 2-3 gowns left in the bag because it's really too tight for me. There are total of 11 gowns and a skirts. What a lucky day to me. Hehe... Never have so much gowns before.

I'm doing something unusual today. I wonder why I will do such a thing. I've been thinking so long and I really got no idea. I don't feel like talking today. I don't feel like seeing anyone I know today. I feel so peaceful staying at my aunty's house today because she's the only that can talk to me and I'm willing to tell her everything... everything about myself (but I didn't lah.. I don't feel like talking mah).

So after eating breakfast, we went to her best friend's house and we had a few hours non-stop eating session. I feel my pants is getting tighter. tsk tsk. We had chocolate (so sweet... yuck), banana, guava (zheng!), jasmine tea, junk foods.... etc... Aww... I'm not going to eat for the next few hours until dinner.

Oh my!!! I never known I would be in such a place where everybody is so quiet and sleeping and doing their own stuff. I tried all I could to connect to the Internet. After 20 times or more attempts finally I can start blogging. But don't know why I feel like I'm writting a diary here. Hopefully I could find something interesting for my blog. It's actually too lazy for me to go out today. I suddenly became so introvert. I want to keep everything to myself. I don't want to do anything with anyone. Hmm... I don't think I can continue writing anymore.

Relationship

What do we look for towards a relationship?

Too often we blame the others when we’re being hurt. When will we learn not to blame the others and learn to accept? What if when it comes to a day we’re the one who being blame? Will we still feel the same as what we’ve expected from the others? We will certainly feel more hurt. Then why still want to blame? Can one person be 100% right or 100% wrong? Asking so much just because we think it’s unfair to us? Ain’t it more painful if we can’t get what we want after asking for so much? I’m certainly hurt. Certainly hurt because I’ve been asking so much for myself. I will learn not to ask so much as I don’t want anyone to ask me to do something beyond what I can do.

I have no time to keep chasing for something I want. I have wasted my 8 years to do what I want to do and I got nothing in the end and losing more and more things in my life. I realized that it was such a trap I fixed for myself. But one thing that has gained in my life is I started to know how much I need God. If I still keep dwelling in my pass, how my life would be? How many more 8 years I have in my life in order for me wake up and repent?

Why do you want to know why I could stand so long in my previous relationship? Was that all because of feelings alone? If a relationship is depends on the feelings alone then what if one day the feeling has gone? How do you know that someone has loved you or not? What makes you lose the relationship at the first place? How do you define love then? Do you know how to love? What is love to you?

After all, am I in love or am I not in love anymore? Will one day I find myself not in love anymore? What if I will never know how to love? What if one day I don’t dare to love anymore? No, I don’t dare to love anymore. Even now I can imagine how painful it will be. It wakes me from sleep in the middle of the night. I don’t dare to love. I don’t want to hate. Hating is so tiring. Loving is tiring too. The more I hate and love, the more I’m wrong. It’s too painful to do what I’m not willing to do while it’s the only thing that is right to do. But what more if I continue doing what is wrong? Who can ever be happy living with all the guilt? I don’t think I can live any longer if I continue doing what is wrong. Can’t believe that I actually don’t like doing what is right. Now I realized how evil I can be. If I can be so evil even myself is not accepting it what more can I expect from the others?

I thought it will be easy when I know that I have to stop loving something that I love. There are many times that I hated it so much that I have to choose to give up everything I love and start looking for true love. How am I going to accept the facts that everything that I’ve done were all in vain? Will what I’ve been doing be appreciated? The next question is what am I expecting towards a relationship? Love? What is love? I think I’ve finally woke from dreaming but I’m still not accepting it. I will never know what love is until I find my first love. What is more important than knowing who my first love is?

I hate it so much that I have to let go the thing I love once again. It took me so long to revive and now I’m going to do the same thing again. One more thing that I’ve learnt is letting go someone we love is also a way to love. The thing is am I willing to let go? It’s all depends on me whether I want to let go or not. Why I chose not to let go even though I know it hurts? How can I let go off something that I love and I might forget about it one day?

Relationship . Marriage

What kind of man am I looking towards for a relationship?

A devoted Christian?
Fear God?
Pastor? (haha… scary but why not? I don’t see anything scary in pastors)
Taller than me?
Handsome? (good looking)
Musician/singer?
Love me? (love is a big word to me)
Bla…bla..bla…

I still remember there was once during the altar call a pastor’s wife told me that it’s possible for me to be a pastor’s wife like her. Guess what… I was shocked. How can it be? So I assumed that as a joke to myself. Forget about things in the list above. Yes, it’s impossible as in I have never had someone like that. But I have never doubt that I will have a man like that. What is so impossible? Nothing! Haha… actually leh… I don’t mind. But when you ask then I have to answer lah. I will want to have someone loves me and I love him. Let God works lah. I don’t know anything anymore. I also don’t want to ask. I believe God will not give me something greater than I can take.

Will you marry me?

What is marriage? This word suddenly came into my mind and I have no idea what is that all about. I wanted to get married so much since I was 20. Even though I wished that I could get married but whenever someone proposed to me I will reject without thinking much. So now, what am I looking for towards marriage? There is something that is in my mind but I don’t know how to explain. I will still say that I still want to get married but I don’t think I can accept anyone until I found myself.

Left or Right?!

Sigh… wondering why I start this post with…. a long… sigh…… My feelings and emotions totally not in my control since three weeks ago. I know but I just let it be because I hope there would be a time where I will totally let it all out one day. I know what I should and what I shouldn’t do but I’m just not doing it. Ended torturing myself and the others.What I know is from my head and what I want is from my heart. I tend to follow what my heart’s telling me to do though I know so clearly what my head’s telling me is right. I’m so tired of thinking so much.
I’m telling myself that I will leave it to God and trust Him for the rest but am I actually doing it? At this moment, who else can I can believe except God but how many of us will actually really believe in God at this kind of situation? Perhaps we do, but why is it still so hard for us to make a decision at a critical moment? Well, I hope I won’t THINK that I WILL trust God for the rest but I WILL trust God for the rest.
Keeping so much that I couldn’t tell. Doing and saying so much that I shouldn’t do. Listening to what all my friends tell me is right and what is wrong, what I should and what I shouldn’t sometimes just made me annoyed. I know I shouldn’t but I have my feelings. Ain’t it’s good at least I let them know that I’m frustrated? Ain’t it’s more than enough? Sigh… no, it’s not but never mind.
I have enough of advice and it gets me so tired. I don’t want to have the same sickness again where I nearly gone crazy because I’m thinking too much when I was 18. Hhmm… oh my… Now I do actually know that I can’t control my emotions sometimes and it gets just so serious.
It’s not that I don’t trust God anymore. But I just need someone who can really understand what I’m doing instead of telling me what I’m doing is wrong. I think I’m old enough to differentiate what is right and what is not right but I’m offended. I’m truly understand their concern for me.